Sunday, January 22, 2012

SIGNS OF THE APOCALYPSE

Some of you may have read last week’s In My Humble Opinion column regarding the “End of Times”, or “Doomsday”, or “the Apocalypse” which is apparently looming in our planet’s very near future. Like, in fact, this year to be precise. Further to that theme, there have been many signs pointing to this inevitable outcome.
Some years ago the American sports magazine, “Sports Illustrated”, began their version of the “sign of the apocalypse” in every issue of the magazine as they would site a recent sports related event that could be described as a sign that the apocalypse is upon us. Events like: “A 102 year-old woman from Lincolnshire, England, posed nude for a calendar to raise money for a local soccer team.” Really? Yikes! Or more accurately …ewww. That’s just wrong. Or how about: “An eight-year-old girl was kicked out of a tennis tournament in New Zealand when she was discovered wearing a hidden earpiece to receive coaching from her father.” Again…eight years old! Stage Dads (and Moms)! Tsk, tsk, tsk, it’d be funny if it wasn’t so sad…and then there’s this one: “A Manitoba man was arrested for allegedly calling 911 and demanding that the police return the Jets to Winnipeg.” He did that in 2010…doesn’t seem so weird now does it? Maybe it worked. Or at least he probably thinks it did.
I am only attempting to throw a little humour onto what may be a very serious subject to many people, but as Erica Jong stated, “Humour is one of the most serious tools we have for dealing with impossible situations." So in that vain I will give you some of my versions of the “Signs that the Apocalypse is Upon Us”:
· Many other Canadians are beginning to realize that Saskatchewan is a province of Canada. Go figure!
· My Toronto Maple Loafs are this close to a playoff spot and have, not one, but two, players in the top ten in the NHL’s scoring race. And this is half-way through the NHL’s season not half-way through the first week of the season!!
· The Jersey Shore is the top-rated “Reality TV” show. Seriously, people, c’mon!
· Someone, somewhere…an actual executive at a TV studio no less… approved the airing of “Celebrity Wife Swap” as a series for network television.
· There is a website that you can go to so you can catch up on “Celebrity Wife Swap” if you missed it and forgot to record it.
· “Celebrity” is an adjective used to define “Celebrity Wife Swap” cast members-Rob Bonfiglio, Dee Snider, Tina Yothers, Niecy Nice and Flavour Flav?? Who are these people?
· “Mother gives 8-year-old daughter Botox treatments in effort to help in “Beauty Contest” success!” Stage Moms and Dads again! Mom must be thirsting for her child to become a “celebrity” so the child can have a more unusual upbringing while Mom lives off of her “investment”, then, said “investment” will become a child star who, then, years later, will turn up on “Celebrities Who Have Gone Wild and Swap Wives to Keep Themselves On Television So They Can Still Be Categorized As Celebrities and Show How Becoming A Celebrity Has Ruined Their Lives.” ‘Nuff said.
If there had been a Saskatchewan at the time Mark Twain made this statement he might have used Saskatchewan (according to the rest of Canada) instead of Cincinnati- “If the world comes to an end, I want to be in Cincinnati. Everything comes there ten years later.” Mark Twain (1835-1910).

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