Wednesday, March 23, 2011

January 9, 2011

So it turns out that I definitely have a herniated disc in my back, which is going to require surgery to repair. Oh for joy! I, of course, have been put on the surgery “waiting list” and have been given the standard timeframe of six-to-eight weeks until the surgery can be done.
I am not wholly convinced that our medical profession has a firm grip as to the concept of time though. It’s kind of like “dog years” or something; you know, for every “human year” it’s seven “dog years”. I am sure there must be a multiplier or mathematical formula that calculates “wait times” to “regular time”, like, take the “wait time” figure (six-to-eight weeks), multiply it by a factor of 1.5 and you’ll get a more accurate measurement of nine-to-twelve weeks. If I’m lucky.
Six-to-eight weeks must be the pat answer for any procedure but you have to start somewhere, I suppose, and they have to give you some sort of number, don’t they? “
“So, we’ll do your back surgery in say…six-to-eight weeks. Howz that sound?”
“So, we’ll replace that hip for ya in say…six-to-eight weeks. Howz that sound?”
“So, we’ll remove that earwax buildup in say…six-to-eight weeks. Howz that sound?”
Yes, okay, you’re right. I’m sorry about that. I guess I’m getting a little frustrated and a little more cynical after four and a half months of enduring this discomfort with no immediate relief in site.
Speaking of which, (my discomfort, that is), as I shift from chair-to-couch-to-bed-to-chair-to-couch…trying to find a comfortable position, and feeling little or no relief, I sometimes find myself wondering about whom I could possibly wish this discomfort on; should I be able to do such a thing.
I am sure you have often heard the phrase, “I wouldn’t wish this pain and discomfort on anyone!”, but let us, just for the sake of argument, say that would be possible, then who would I pick? Although I don’t consider myself to be a vengeful person, I must admit that I have, a time or two, mulled over a list of possible candidates.
The easy choices of course would be Graham James or Carla Homolka, Peter Whitmore or Willy Picton et al, but they deserve a fate far worse than mere discomfort and pain and eventually they will have a greater power than me to answer to in that regard.
So I tapped into my personal memory banks and thought back on who would have affected my life in such a way that I would bless them with this level of pain and discomfort. It turned out to be a surprisingly small list.
In fact, I have to venture back over forty years for my first victim. I know it was a long time ago but, given the following facts, I am sure you will understand how the event has remained with me so long.
Who, then, would be the likeliest candidate? Travel back in time with me now to Lindale School in Moose Jaw when I was in the seventh grade, too many years ago. To set the stage let us remember that, back in the day, students would repeat a failed grade as many times as it took until they could pass up to the next grade, which could result in quite a disparity in ages and physical stature of students in the same class. Some students would not even be entering puberty, (me), while others were already shaving and holding a driver’s license, ( my first candidate), whom we shall call Bull. Get the picture?
Thankfully, he wasn’t as violent as he could have been but, regardless, the day he chose me as his latest victim for one of his infamous “Atomic Wedgies”, I think I would have preferred a punch in the nose. He tore the elastic waist-band, and remaining remnants of my underwear, completely off of me, leaving me in embarrassing commando mode for the rest of the day, and yes, it did leave a mark, both physically and emotionally. If, Dear Bull, you are still alive today may you live in my pain.
That’s it, you ask?! A wedgie in grade seven is all you can come up with? Fifty plus years of life and you want to avenge a seventh grade wedgie?! I told you I wasn’t a vengeful person and I’m blessed/cursed with an above average long-term memory. Let’s just say that being bullied or being a bully in elementary school can, and will, affect you for the rest of your life.
Now I’ve used up all of my allotted space on just one candidate. Fortunately and unfortunately, I’ll have…maybe six…maybe fifteen weeks to refine that list of possible candidates.
“Between the wish and the thing life lies waiting.- Author Unknown.

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