Monday, November 21, 2011

ACHEY-BREAKY BACK NEWS

My apologies, Faithful Reader, it seems that I have been remiss in keeping you up to date on this writer’s ongoing back problems. Thank you for your inquiries into my health issues and, again, I apologize for feeding you enough information to get your curiosity up only to then discontinue the flow of news regarding the ongoing saga.
It was not my intention to keep you in the dark but writing for a weekly newspaper makes subject-picking very difficult especially when there are many more important issues to discuss than my achey-breaky back. Sorry, also, for the Billy Ray Cyrus reference. Try to get that tune out of your head now, ha ha. Sorry, once again, but I digress.
What I may have discovered, though, was that keeping people in suspense keeps them involved. That was the premise behind all of those old “serial” books, newspaper serials, movies and TV shows that fed you a certain amount of information about the plotline only to leave you hanging at the end of the chapter or episode… Da-da-daaaaaaa… “Tune in next week for the conclusion of….” and, of course, there was a sort of conclusion to the last episode but it would only lead to the cliffhanger for the next episode and on and on it goes.
We still find this continuing in today’s world in many venues from graphic novels, to comic books, to TV shows, to movies like the Harry Potter series that leave us hanging on until the next segment is released.
So…cue the suspenseful organ music for you are about to enter the next episode of…“What’s Up With His Back?”
Narrator’s deep baritone voice: “When last we heard, our victim was still awaiting another MRI to determine whether the April 28th microdiscectomy surgery, performed by Dr. Chris Ekong of the Regina General Hospital, had been effective enough to repair the damage incurred while our victim had been lifting his grandson into his carseat in the backseat of a truck on his way to the Wolseley Opera House to decorate the hall for his oldest daughter’s wedding causing an herniated disc which put him in the Wolseley Hospital overnight where he was injected with multiple drugs in order to be able to escort his daughter down the aisle the following day.
The drugs “did the trick”, as they say, and the victim and his daughter were able to make the trek down the aisle and later successfully perform the traditional “Father-Daughter” wedding dance without the aid of his newly-acquired but much-needed cane.
Still not knowing, at that time, that the disc was herniated our victim tried, in vain, to discover the source of his extreme pain and discomfort and was then put on the most horrible of things…DA…DA…DAAAAAAA!!!...THE WAITING LIST!
He waited for his doctor to send him to a specialist and he waited for his specialist to get him an MRI (the first time) and he waited for the results of the MRI and then he waited to see if non-invasive strategies like more drugs and exercises and laser treatments would ease the discomfort and repair the damaged disc but none of that worked so he waited weeks and weeks for surgery to repair the damage and then the surgery didn’t appear to have worked so he waited weeks and weeks, again, for another MRI which his surgeon would not deem “urgent” but then local nurse/hero Barbara Kuntz convinced the WAITING LIST OVERSEER to move up the MRI date and at last his waiting time was reduced from twenty weeks to the more acceptable twelve weeks of waiting and on the 14th of September the MRI was performed…but what will the results show?...stay tuned…”
It is now weeks later and the narrator continues: “The scan showed that he was just a slow healer, or something, and a bit of a crybaby, too, and the surgery according to the surgeon, in fact, had done what it was supposed to do even though there are still two bulging discs in his spine but they are not putting pressure on the nerve any more and our victim just has to come to grips with the fact that his leg will always be partially numb and he will experience shooting pain in his shin and ankle for months and maybe years to come so just “walk it off, not-so-young man and quit whining about it, things could be much worse”. The music fades…the picture fades…and our victim’s limp is mostly gone as he slowly walks away into the sunset still unsure he’ll ever be whole again… ‘Til next time on…“What’s Up With His Back?”
“This suspense is terrible. I hope it will last.”-Oscar Wilde (1854-1900).

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