Sunday, December 30, 2012

I DO HEREBY RESOLVE...


Here’s the thing. I am still not sure if the world is going to end in a couple of days but due to the way the days fall over the Christmas Holidays I have to meet an early deadline to get this column in to the paper well before the normal deadline, which wouldn’t be a problem, usually, but I spend a bit of time on these articles and if the world is over before this ever gets to print I’m going to be a little ticked off. And none of my resolutions will ever get tested, either. But just for the heck of it I’ll write this like there’s going to be a tomorrow and we’ll just see how things play out, shall we?

            If the world does not end I resolve to:

  • Always buy top value dishwasher detergent. I am so sick and tired of rewashing everything because I cheap out…and for what? to save two-freakin’-bits? Okay, maybe it’s more like a dollar-and-a-half, but still. What if the world was to end, then all of those saved up quarters would account for nothing. I guess this is a little bit more than a resolution now, isn’t it? I shall move on.
  • I resolve and promise that I will keep my front walk free of snow for more than one-and-a-half months of the winter.
  • Now, for what is probably the umpteenth year in a row I resolve to work on my procrastination skills. What I mean is that I am going to try to stop my procrastinating not improve on my already Olympic caliber procrastination abilities and I’m going to get right on that pretty soon, too, you can bet on that!
  • I guess I don’t need to resolve to quit smoking again because I did that on March 22nd, 2010. Thank you, thank you. It was nothing. HAH! (Sidebar here: if you need assistance quitting the nasty habit pick up a copy of Allen Carr’s Easy Way To Quit Smoking book, no, seriously, that’s what I did and it worked. Yes. A book. And, yes, IT WORKS!) But then again, if the world ends and I haven’t had a smoke in twenty-one months, after nearly forty years of smoking, someone’s gonna pay! Hmmm….maybe I’ll buy a pack tonight because if the world is ending then why torture yourself longer than necessary and I could always read the book again…
  • I’d resolve to cut back on my television viewing and do more outdoor activities except that we just got Netflix and the new dish package with a 51” 1080p HD Plasma Home Theatre Surround Sound System and a theatre-style popcorn maker and pop machine and a new leather recliner…
  • I will resolve to never watch Here Comes Honey Boo Boo, though…ever! Okay then, there’s one resolution already checked off the list and we haven’t even hit New Years.
  • And I will resolve to be a better person and I’ll be happier and lighter and more fit and nicer and spend more time with family and I’m going to volunteer more and travel more and not hang up the phone on the telemarketers…wait a minute…forget that one…and I’ll be more positive and I’m going to save money and be a better co-worker and I’m going to not be such a “know-it-all” and I’m going to be not so…whatdoyoucallit?...sarcastic!

Well Folks, if the world didn’t end…have a Happy, Happy New Year.

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